(If you'd like to hear the cry of my heart in the middle of all this, go here.)
I have to have a moment of public confession because of what God has done for me this very night. I have been struggling the past few weeks, but unsure of what exactly I was wrestling with. I have not been happy, I have been tired, I have "not been bubbly," as my husband lovingly put it. (For those of you that don't know my day-to-day life: I'm taking 9 hours of classes at a local university; I facilitate a Community Bible Study group; we're involved in church and school activities; We are blessed with four children and (for the first time during school) two of them have extracurricular activities; Matt coaches football, so it's his busy season; and all that comes with all of these things. ~Please know that I am not saying I'm busier than others or woe is me; this is my life and I do typically love it.~)
I have put on a strong front. Precious friends have spoken words of encouragement that I know the Lord gave them for my desperate heart to hear, but I have not acknowledged that I really needed them. I've said "just enough" to others to give them something to pray for me - not to be purposefully deceitful - but I think partially out of pride and partially out of the fact that I had no stinkin' idea what to even suggest was the root of this problem.
Tonight as Matt and I were talking, I told him I just cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I have been asking God to reveal it to me because I do not like who I am right now, and I know it is not bringing glory to Him for me to live with a gray cloud overhead. I told him, "I think my priorities are out of whack, but at the same time I don't really feel anything is wrong, it's just that something is not right. I'm overwhelmed by these classes ..." And he interrupted me, "Because this is not what you should be doing."
I looked at him as if he had jsut spoken to me in a foreign language. But suddenly, I knew it was true. He spoke what my heart had been saying to me for weeks now, the cause of my unrest and struggle... This is not what I should be doing!! Tears started falling and he asked me if I was crying out of sadness? joy? relief? Yes, yes, and yes! I would never in a hundred years think that I did not need to finish my degree right now. For goodness sake, this is my chance to get it over with and be ready to enter the "real world" when the kids are all in school! But the reality of it is this, right now, is not what I should be doing.
I do not know exactly what this means for me, but I cannot begin to explain the peace that flooded over me when Matt spoke those words. I am still tearing up because it "makes no sense" and yet it makes perfect sense. So now, while I figure out how to finish this semester without squelching all my joy, I am eager to see what doors God will open for me. I know He has a path for me to walk and even though I cannot see it yet, what I can clearly see tonight is that it's not the one I am currently on. I'm thanking my Father for gifting me a husband who is sensitive enough to me and to the Spirit that he can pinpoint something that is not right in my life. What an amazing, incredible, joy-full blessing! Praise the Lord!
Sign me,
Not sure of where I’m going, but know Who I am following!
Tonight as Matt and I were talking, I told him I just cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I have been asking God to reveal it to me because I do not like who I am right now, and I know it is not bringing glory to Him for me to live with a gray cloud overhead. I told him, "I think my priorities are out of whack, but at the same time I don't really feel anything is wrong, it's just that something is not right. I'm overwhelmed by these classes ..." And he interrupted me, "Because this is not what you should be doing."
I looked at him as if he had jsut spoken to me in a foreign language. But suddenly, I knew it was true. He spoke what my heart had been saying to me for weeks now, the cause of my unrest and struggle... This is not what I should be doing!! Tears started falling and he asked me if I was crying out of sadness? joy? relief? Yes, yes, and yes! I would never in a hundred years think that I did not need to finish my degree right now. For goodness sake, this is my chance to get it over with and be ready to enter the "real world" when the kids are all in school! But the reality of it is this, right now, is not what I should be doing.
I do not know exactly what this means for me, but I cannot begin to explain the peace that flooded over me when Matt spoke those words. I am still tearing up because it "makes no sense" and yet it makes perfect sense. So now, while I figure out how to finish this semester without squelching all my joy, I am eager to see what doors God will open for me. I know He has a path for me to walk and even though I cannot see it yet, what I can clearly see tonight is that it's not the one I am currently on. I'm thanking my Father for gifting me a husband who is sensitive enough to me and to the Spirit that he can pinpoint something that is not right in my life. What an amazing, incredible, joy-full blessing! Praise the Lord!
Sign me,
Not sure of where I’m going, but know Who I am following!
